Resident advisor? Mixmag? Don’t think so… The only list that matters is who is the biggest diva around: the VRAAA DJ Ranking. It has little to do with music or DJ skills! This is about fierceness: which can be achieved mainly by popping a Chinese martial arts fan correctly and dramatically: therefore, making the VRAAA sound!
But other elements were taken into consideration as well such as attitude, charisma and, in some cases, the level of sexiness of the DJs. As always, this is a very tongue-in-cheek list, so, don’t take anything said in here so seriously! As I said before, it’s not good for your skin!
This list is kindly made by Projekt Gestalten aka The Princess of Death aka Diego. Being an experienced raver and spending countless and countless of hours on the dancefloors in many many clubs around Europe, he has been testing the levels of fabulousness from DJs all over the world. Being a DJ herself, and also sharing the booth and playing with many of the artists enlisted in here, it was a tough job to do. So, let’s begin…
There I was at Hardwax digging some records when I feel my ass suddenly getting smacked. I turn around and see the holder of the elusive #00 position of my VRAAA ranking looking at me and saying “see you at Virginia’s album release party, bitch!!! Gotta go, see yaaa!!! Smaaack!”. And she’s out of the door! So, yeah, Steffi still maintains her status as the fiercest diva of them all! Is still beyond me how one can find time to tour the world with a full live act, play house & techno DJ sets and smack my ass at Hardwax while being fabulous! There is no competition here and I still didn’t find anybody who could match her fabulousness around! Respect!
I think Anthony is a bit mad at me because everytime he posts a picture on his facebook page I manage to find a puppy dog to put in the exact same pose as the photo, so I keep flooding his page with puppies. I recognize I have a problem, I have been attending meetings in order to overcome my addiction one step at the time and I try now to limit my puppy dog-related posts to a minimum of one post per month at his page. But, in one of our encounters earlier this year, when I am not talking about how cute like a puppy dog he is, this dialogue took place: Me: “Hummm… I am not sure about your diva credentials anymore…”; Anthony:
In case you live under a rock, SNAX is the men-only party that happens twice a year at Berghain, where they close the main floor plus the lab.oratory. So, our #2 Diva finally performed there. Unlike Dax J last year, Anthony didn’t hear my fashion advices. Maybe because I keep asking him to play shirtless, but he remains reluctant to do so! It’s been 3 years he keeps promising me he will put out a bit more for the following Summer but, so far, nothing! Maybe when he does that, he will snatch the #1 Diva position! We will see… At least he was wearing a tank top, which is something. In regards to his Snax set, well, he would be in my list just for the fact that he played one of my all-time favorite tracks: “Drama” by Club 69 AKA Peter Rauhofer (RIP) – not your regular German techno banger. The only DJ who would drop this in Berlin during a techno set – besides myself, of course!! Well done, gworl! Well done!
Freddy K is a fierce bitch! Not only he has charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent but he really takes my DJ diva ranking seriously! Everytime we meet he asks me about it! Whether by hosting fabulous events at his office space with amazing Italian fingerfood or by his legendary extended all-vinyl sets, this is a true diva to be reckoned with! But, actually, none of these things made him to break into the top 3 of my diva ranking neither his abilities handling my fan. The main reason was because he posted an invitation, some time ago, for one of his gigs and he wrote something like: “hey, come for the music, stay for the COCKtails”. That was it! Top 3 diva material right there! No need to say anything else…
After having breakfast together (around lunchtime – a diva’s clock run on its own time), I accompanied the holder of the 4th position to the Schneidersladen store so the guys over there could take a look into a problem she was having with one of the oscillators from her modular setup. The guy comes with a brand new one, from the same kind so he could test it on her unit, and, when he hooks up into the power cable, BOOMM, an explosion occurs followed by a small fire into the brand new oscillator. I guess that’s what happens when there are too many divas around electric stuff. Too much static! It always feels like something really unbelievable happens anytime I am around Miss Lady Starlight! It’s so much fun to hang out with her and listen to her music! But the main reason she keeps placing high into my list is for playing techno at 140 BPM and above! Thank you for that! I think the world really needs that!
Well… an agreement with his mom wasn’t reached and I still don’t have his baby pics to put inside my Hello Kitty diary. Ostgut Ton tried really hard to convince me to keep him in the #1 position; they even tried to bribe me with a very rare edition of his latest EP but it wasn’t enough! I did appreciate the gift though. There are only 8 more copies of that floating around out there and I always play it in my sets! It was a nice gesture! Thanks, Ostgut! Love you to the Moon and back! <3 But this year, Max was too busy promoting his album and touring around the world and didn’t dedicate enough time to practice his fan opening skills and give me some love here in Berlin. Still, he manages to remain into the top 10 diva ranking because, let’s face it, he is still cute! And what makes him cute is the fact that he is not fully aware of his cuteness which makes him even cuter. But, one day, all of his cuteness will turn into sexiness and, maybe then, he can reclaim the top position of this highly regarded list! 😉 But he still holds the #1 spot of my straight husbands ranking – unlike this list, I don’t publish it anywhere since I have 100+ husbands to manage and the ranking keeps changing weekly depending of my mood – as straight men can piss me off way too often!
While he was playing, I was having a conversation at Berghain with the lovely girlfriend from the holder of the 6th spot in my list. Between some small talk and funny stories, she casually mentions her husband was the homecoming king from the prom of his high school back in the US! Which I reply: “hold on, WHAT??!”. I was so shocked that the music stopped, the lights turned on and the fire alarm went off in the middle of his set for about half hour until I could recompose myself from such a fabulous information! How do I know this guy for years and I was totally unaware of that??? DJs, if you have done fabulous things in the past, please, let me know so I can take into consideration while compiling the ranking. He promised me to spare me a trip to the US to hunt a picture of his coronation in all the yearbooks of all the schools around and send it to me. When I get the picture, Kyle will definitely break into the top 3 ranking. But he would place high in the list this year just for sitting with me for a whole hour while I explained the whole Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding 1994 Olympics figure-skating drama story detail by detail.
During the night a lightning struck Berghain and the lights went on for hours, it was towards the end of Dax’s set, as a good diva, he knows how to make a dramatic exit! But, to me, the headline of that day was still me pinching his butt on behalf of a male straight friend of mine who is a fan of Dax and was having birthday on that weekend – of course I did that after getting proper authorization from his girlfriend first. You gotta love German bureaucracy! Either way, Dax maintains a solid position in the ranking. Last time he took over my fan, he almost broke it as he opened really hard. But opening a fan like a diva is not about strength, is about technique! So no need to go so rough while handling my fan, Dax! Save this roughness you got for another areas! Hahahaha 😉 Like, hummm, like, errrrrr… like: your MUSIC! (You people have a very dirty mind, you know that?!). I know you will master it. In the meantime, keep being sexy!
I have explained to him exactly step-by-step how to open my fan like a diva. He listened closely and tried to absorb as much as he could. Then, he tried and failed miserably. Actually, he did open my fan but there was no noise! And he was like “uh, I think I did good job, right? I just wasn’t able to do this VRAAA noise though!”. My reaction was the same whenever I see a three-legged puppy dog trying to run into a straight line and stumbling all over. You know the feeling that you can’t decide whether you cry or just give a warm tight hug? That was it. Surgeon, my dear, the VRAAA is the most important part of the process, the VRAAA is what is up, the VRAAA will set us free! How can you miss that?!
“But, Diego, how come Surgeon is on the VRAAA diva list then?!?!”.
Well, I’ll tell you… later on in that same night, in Berghain’s ice cream area, I told him how cool it was that he wore this T-shirt with one of Rupaul’s Drag Race contestants on it during one of his sets. He then takes his phone out of his pocket and proceeds to show me the pictures he has at a gay bar along with Rupaul’s Drag Race Season 1 queen, Tammie Brown and Rupaul’s Drag Race Season 6 queen Milk – if you have no idea what the fuck I am talking about, you can close this page right now! But thanks for your time and for reading it up to this point! Your effort is highly appreciated! I’m glad you made it so far!
Back to Surgeon, so, he didn’t happen to just stumble to these queens by accident. That means he took some time off being a techno god and physically drove from his house to the gay bar where these drag queens were performing just to see them! And not only that, he attended the meet & greet and took pictures with them, which he is proudly showing to me while saying “I am not really into the beauty pageant queens, I like the quirky ones!”. And to top all of that, his wife is an even bigger Rupaul’s Drag Race fan than he is! So, regardless of his fan opening skills, Mr. Anthony Child snatches the top 8 diva position just for the fact he is a Drag Race fan! And, also, part of the only straight couple in drag race herstory I can have a conversation about this topic inside a techno club! Shante, you stay!
Me and Denise went to Paris together to play a gig there and, during the day, we decided to go to this not-so-expensive restaurant Denise found. She is a gourmet diva, so she really enjoys food and, I got to admit, it wasn’t just eating, it was an experience! Unfortunately for us, there was a bit tiny misunderstanding and the food costed the double from what we were expecting to pay for! No big deal, it wasn’t that much but we didn’t have so much cash on us at that moment. So we try to convince the owner to let us leave something belonging to us in there as a guarantee we would come back later for the money. He didn’t seem so much up for that idea. I was already starting to think we would spend the rest of our day in Paris washing dishes or at the nearest police station before our gig. Then, Denise dramatically takes her ID out of her wallet and, with the most serious expression on her face, she looks right into the restaurant owner’s eyes and says dead cold: “LOOK, THIS IS MY ID, I CAN’T LEAVE THE COUNTRY WITHOUT IT!” VRAAA! The guy accepts her offer and we were off the hook! And just like that, Denise saves the day and breaks into the top 10 of my diva ranking! Being a diva is about having attitude! Plus, right before we leave for our gig, I spot Denise all concentrated in the living room painting her nails. She knows that no unpolished nails shall touch the DJ equipment during a set by a diva!
In one lazy afternoon, the holder of the 10th position of this prestigious list posted a picture of a Nike shoe box on his personal profile. Seeing the 44 size in the box, I immediately comment something like: “hummm… interesting…”. Within 15 minutes, Mr. Baer privately message me saying: “Hey! If you are interested in the presto, I have a spare one to sell! Let me know!”. I was a bit confused and, before I could google “presto” up, he sends me a picture of the shoe – with “presto” being the model name, I would assume. So, I had to explain to him I was actually making a sassy joke about his shoe size rather than actually being interested on the shoe itself. But it was a positive thing that he didn’t get the joke because it means he has a pure heart. Needless to say, this episode alone made my weekend! It was super cute! So, Henning’s pure heart keeps him in the top 10 ranking of my diva list, but, he drops a few positions since last year for being unaware that Adidas is the official sponsor of gay people everywhere since the 70’s! How dare him to even consider offering me a Nike-branded product???? Huge mistake!
The enigmatic and mysterious Rrose project was already in my wish-list to teach my fan-opening skills for quite some time. She was playing a live set at Berghain last month and it was the perfect moment to approach her. I asked Lady Starlight to introduce me to her, which she replied: “Of course, gworl! I NEED to see you teaching Rrose how to open your fan!”. So there we were: me dressed in a white wedding dress in the middle of the Berghain floor while teaching Rrose dressed in a black cocktail dress how to open my fan. Two minutes of explanation later and Rrose fiercely makes the VRAAA! Great job, darling! Just as your music, I knew you would not disappoint me with that as well! Now I just need to reach Paula Temple to complete my wish-list and dominate the world!
What can I say when the holder of position 12th in my diva ranking list manages to play Berghain during the man-only Snax party even being a girl?? Just fabulousness all the way! Plus, I will give her some extra points for committing to the sports dress code of the party! Unlike Henning Baer, Dr. Rubinstein knew Adidas was the sponsor of gay people and came wearing the brand with the three stripes from head to toe! Well done, darling! Well done! Cheers!
The Hardwax diva appears one more time in my list. Plus he kinda bribed me with a bar of chocolate he brought all they way from Finland! He posted a pic on his FB with the candy and I asked him to bring it back for me just as a joke. Well, he took it seriously, brought it inside his DJ case and gave it to me in the middle of his set! That’s what I call raving like a boss! When DJ Pete brings you food during his own set at Berghain! Sometimes being a diva is making other divas feeling even more like divas!
We got introduced right before he starts his closing set at Berghain. Such a sweet guy who even introduced me to his lovely mom at the occasion. Of course I didn’t miss the opportunity to test his fan-opening skills! He did a great job! Right after that, when he is about to start, he takes from his case a small carpet so he can play on his socks, lights up some holy wood and also some incenses as well. Joel knows a diva’s best kept secret: ACCESSORIZING!
His fan-opening skills were not that great but he is on this prestigious list just for the fact he plays Madonna at Panorama Bar (from a vinyl picture disc with the bitch’s face in it) and Kylie Minogue right on the Berghain floor. Techno purists: WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!??!?!
We already have been in contact via e-mail for some months. But when Volvox came to tour Europe, the meeting of the century took place! I knew I have found a new techno zizzzta! Plus, she is half-Brazilian and can speak Portuguese fluently – which is always a nice touch! She is also part of Discwoman – one of the fiercest collectives out there, but none of that matters when you make the VRAAA with my fan on the first attempt no less! Very impressive!
Mr. Davenport continues being cute, sexy, tall and a gentleman all the way, so, he maintains a spot into my diva list. He is in a slightly better position this year because he finally decided to cut his hair with a hairdresser as opposed to try to cut on his own and look like he just ran out of prison. Wise decision!
Ostgut Ton’s newest addition, Handsome when, like Mr. Davenport, is also cute, sexy and tall. Such a sweet and innocent guy! So cute! I also like the fact that, when mr. Handsome played at Snax party, he snapped a picture of him from his phone before he leaves his house and sent it to me so I could approve his outfit (which I may or may not have used as the wallpaper of my phone for the following two weeks. Did I? You decide!) But now that Handsome when is one of the residents, maybe it would be a good idea to do some improvements at Berghain’s front entrance; so cute tall DJs like him and Mr. Davenport don’t need to duck their heads every time they pass thru the door. I took the liberty to make a project to solve this situation.
My favorite drama queen is back again with much more drama! Every time I meet him, I know I will be entertained by either his music or with a crazy dramatic story! Keep up with the drama, gworl (and with the music as well)! 😉
The headless diva appears once again in this list! His fan-opening skills are not so great but he makes up for in fabulousness and grace. Although his nails could be a bit better! Hey, instead of that cup of coffee we were going to have together, maybe we can go to a nail saloon! What do you say, Mr. Horseman???
Mr. Zahn AKA the captain of the football team makes into my list again. But, just like Dax J, he puts too much strength into opening my fan. It’s all about subtle and delicate movements. Like sipping tea in a porcelain cup.
One more of my cute straight husbands breaking into my diva ranking – this time he comes all the way from my hot Italian techno DJs collection. To be completely honest, I did test him with my fan a long time ago, but I don’t remember it anymore as my only goal, every time we meet, is to make him to take his shirt off, steal it from him and not give it back anymore for as long as I can. So, I am just putting him on my diva list as a thank you for not getting a restraining order against me. I really appreciate that! Thank you, babe! And also thank you for parading your hot body around me! 😉
The cute boys from I/Y project debuts in this prestigious list. One of them did a marvelous job opening my fan, the other one did an OK job. I don’t really remember which one did what, but I will give an average score for both of them. But what’s up with all the oversized t-shits? Please, let’s show a bit more skin around! Don’t make me do like I do with VSK and go take your shirt off for you! Plus, they borrowed their fabulousness on a remix for me, to be released soon! More info to follow…
The beauty of performing in festivals is that I can go around backstage bugging the other DJs and test their diva skills at once! Just went they thought they were safe… which was the case of my #24 diva. Barnt did a good job! Plus, extra diva points for dressing up like one of the Beastie Boys! Super cute!!! <3
Well, he wasn’t really so impressive handling my fan but what really made him to break into my list is his dance moves! TOMMY GOT MOVES! Have you ever saw him on the dance floor??? He was one second away to drop on the floor and do the jiggly worm! Well done!!!
Mano Le Tough’s fan skills are alright but I still didn’t forgive him for wearing beach shorts at Panorama. Don’t get me wrong, it was a beautiful one and he would definitely be the most stylish boy in all of the swimming pools around, but I was expecting more from a diva I was used to see in super gay skinny pants over there not so long ago…
It was a sunny day in the Berghain garden when I finally get a moment to test Miss Black Madonna. I gotta admit my expectations were really high for this one, specially when we are talking about such a lovely artist and a fierce diva all around! She even had a smaller fan on her own but I had to test her with MY fan! Oh well, let’s just say it was “cute”. But, I think we all should remember the wise words of the great Alyssa Edwards:
When I approached DJ Nobu, I thought he would take my fan, do the VRAAA like the fiercest diva of them all, throw the fan in the air, do a summersault and take it back again! What a disappointment! He failed miserably doing it. But have you ever heard a DJ set by him? He feels the music and does the fiercest hair flipping around! Just for this skill alone, DJ Nobu earns a spot in my diva list! Thank you for flipping your hair back and forth!!!
I really tried hard to teach her how to open my fan like a diva! Not only she failed but she also dropped it on the floor. If we were at the Olympics, she would probably get one point deduction and lose the gold medal in the rhythmic gymnastics finals. But her fierceness, her music and her personality makes up for any flaws opening my fan. But we will try again very soon! Be ready, girl! <3
We played at the same party at ://about blank but Mr. X, like most divas, only make appearances. So he didn’t stick long enough for me to teach him how to open my fan after his set. Some weeks later, I finally got him and I couldn’t even manage to make him hold my fan right. He is too manly to even hold a fan. Lots of work here. Please, make a Sex and the City marathon (you can skip the movies) followed by Rupaul’s Drag Race – maybe give Surgeon a call and you both can watch it together!!! And, please, call me so I can watch you both watching Rupaul’s Drag Race! That would be my ultimate goal in life, next to smoking a joint with Snoop Dog and meeting Elvira, the Mistress of Dark.
He is not a DJ but I found so fabulous that he showed up for our Pornceptual party that I was really sad I didn’t have the time to teach him how to open my fan like a diva. Plus, I was extra bummed because I didn’t have on me this old trance mix I have of “Message in a Bottle”. It would be so brilliant to drop it with him on the dance floor! Well, Sting, if you wanna learn how to open my fan like a diva, send me out an SOS!
I think it’s becoming a tradition for the holder of the number one position’s mother to be featured into my honorable mentions. Not only Virginia’s mom was giving me Patty Labelle realness but she is also Brazilian so I explained the fan opening technique in Portuguese! So nice! Again, this is proof that fierceness is genetic (and also has to do with Brazil a lot)!
That was it! See you all next year!
Happy holidays, bitches!