VRAAA 2017 Diva Ranking

2017diva

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It’s the time of the year again! The time to know who’s who of the biggest DJ divas around. With the extinction of Resident Advisor’s top DJ ranking, I dare to say this is the most relevant underground DJ list around. Unlike them, my lists were never dominated by straight white male European DJ’s (nothing wrong with them, tho… they are cute and fun to make out with); so I don’t feel the need to stop doing it. Neither the music nor the skills from the DJs in this list will be relevant here but the most important trait being judged is their sassiness, nerve, attitude and charisma! Of course, the ability to maneuver my fan still plays an important part. This year, I will only rank the top 3 biggest divas of the year and the rest of my fabulous inductees will be presented in alphabetical order. As I warn every year, please, don’t take anything said here so seriously, dear!

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Diego aka Projekt Gestalten aka The Princess of Death aka “the young Turkish guy in a while-laced wedding dress” by the Australian press; even though he is Brazilian – but the comparison is fully appreciated; as the streets of Istanbul are filled with hot eye-candy boys everywhere! Having spent half of the year in South America and the other half in Europe, Diego has measured the level of fierceness from the best DJs of the world in a global scale this year! Let’s begin!

 

00

After mastering my fan-opening technique in the first year of my list, then smacking my ass at Hardwax in its second year, I was really intrigued to know which deed would Steffi do in order to maintain her #00 position this year, well, it is easy: two major releases! First: a fabulous fabric compilation mix where every single track is unreleased and made specifically for it. Second: a new fabulous full-length album on Ostgut Ton! VRAAA! Well played! Well played! But, this year, she is sharing this prestigious position with my girl, Virginia! Who not only collaborates often with Steffi but also shares the same level of fabulousness enough in order to fulfill the position #00 of this list. How come I would not give Virginia the #00 position too after a WhatsApp message from her, during my stay in Brazil, saying: “babe, it’s time for you to come back! There are all kinds of people that think they can treat a FAN just like the one and only DIVA?! Our diva?! What’s that all about??!?”.

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 freddy

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Extended all vinyl marathon sets, great releases, gigs all around the globe! It was an amazing year for my Italian diva Freddy K, unfortunately, none of these were a contributing factor for him to snatch the number one position of my VRAAA diva list this year! How can I not put a DJ that sends me a picture of his outfit for me to approve right before going to play at the Berghain’s men only Snax party?!  OK, Somewhen also did that for me last year, but, unlike the Ostgut Ton’s latest addition, Mr. K respected the gay tradition and wore Adidas from head to toe! Not only the outfit had my approval but, as well as Somewhen’s picture, it may or may not have been used as the wallpaper of my phone for a while… Congratulations, my diva! I shall present you with a fan soon…

 02

When you have a DJ duo where one half keeps matching his green hair color with his outfits and other one who keeps throwing diva outbursts complaining every single time he is flying somewhere, you have a real threat diva duo! But, I got to say that my green-haired friend, Irakli, is the main reason why I/Y broke to the top 2 ranking. First, he finally attended my requests and played a shirtless set, secondly, any artist who says to me: “I have a live performance next year, I am still not sure the direction I wanna go but I already know what I am going to be wearing” has my respect! Sorry, Yacoub, but, we all know who is the Beyoncé here and who is Kelly and Michelle!

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lakuti  03

One of the biggest highlights from the Brazilian version of DGTL festival was Lakuti and Tama’s back to back set. It made me feel a bit as if I was back to Berlin for a while. So it was nice to hear another b2b session with them again at Panorama a few months later. I have noticed they were wearing matching outfits and, after the set, I told Lakuti how cute that was. She just turns to me and gives me the following reply: “EXCUSEEE MEEE??? I don’t know what you are talking about! I was the one who took MY outfit from MY closet first and SHE saw ME putting on and SHE went to HER closet and put HER outfit to copy ME”. VRAAA! I don’t know who was right or wrong but her sassy answer alone was reason enough to secure her the top 3 position from this prestigious ranking. But I had to get to the bottom of this…

(this story continues later on below…)

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During my Brazilian season, I have been so fortunate to meet so many creatures of its nightlife. One of them was the half-Brazilian, half-Paraguayan Amanda Mussi. Not only an amazing DJ but we shared so many adventures around the globe (we played gigs together in Rio and Berlin as well) that would be impossible not to feature her on my DJ diva list! Actually, even if we didn’t spend so much quality time together, she would be here just for our lip-synch of Gala’s “Freed from Desire” alone during our legendary back-to-back impromptu house set at her Dûsk party, in São Paulo.

andreagram

Speaking of Brazil’s nightlife creatures. After having played in this really nice open-air techno party in São Paulo. This really polite and humble girl came up to me and complimented my set and introduced herself as “Andrea”. She was really nice and down-to-earth. She said to me: “Oh, you live in Berlin? The last time I have been there, the wall was still up. I actually paid 100 dollars for a one-day visa to the East side! I went to a record shop thinking I was going to find nice stuff to buy but they only had Schubert records! I was so mad at that time, but, at least, I have a nice story to tell”. I was quickly realizing, I was in the presence of the legendary Andrea Gram, one of the first female DJs in Brazil with a career spanning almost 30 years. I have read a lot about her before but it took me a bit to put it all together. If that wasn’t enough for her to enter this list, what she said to me next definitely sealed the deal: “Hey, I am playing later on tonight at this party called “Carnival Resuscitated” inside this really crappy gay sauna, please come!”. VRAAA!

 anthony

As I was away for so long, my cute Ostgut diva started missing me and flew to Brazil specially to meet me! I think he also secured a gig at São Paulo’s Dekmantel festival just because he was already there with time to spare anyway. I appreciate the effort! It was too cute seeing Anthony playing in my native country. But he was still wearing waaaaay too much clothes (it’s was in the middle of the Brazilian Summer, for crying out loud!) and his skin was dead white! Next time you come to Brazil, less clothes and more tanning, please! Be a good tanned diva! But his efforts following me all the way to my native country didn’t go unnoticed.

cashu

It was also a busy year to one of the residents and creators of the fabulous Brazilian party Mamba Negra, Cashu. Her queer-inclusive party really left a mark in the local electronic music scene. We had some fabulous interactions but, for me, her most diva gesture was organizing a free party in a transgender home shelter asking people to bring donations for its residents. Food? Warm clothes? Bitch, please! It was asked to bring make-up, women’s outfits and women’s shoes (large size) only. I have donated my personal monochromatic eye-shadow kit, of course. Because the people of the world doesn’t need food! They need MAKE-UP!

eric

Anyone who spends their wedding day preparing for their closing set at Berghain would appear in this list. FACT! Plus, his diva Facebook statuses are too fabulous to ignore. I also had the pleasure to play alongside with him at one of our Pornceptual events this year and his set was also on point – although his outfit was waaaaay too “midwest straight boy”. But I won’t hold that against him! But maybe, next time he plays Pornceptual, he might consider putting out a bit more – even though he is a married man now! I am sure his wife wouldn’t mind. 😀

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fango

It was a pleasure seeing this Italian diva in action at Mamba Negra inside this big warehouse in São Paulo. Right before his set started, I have tested his skills with my fan and he was really great! He would be in this list for his performance alone, but, I wasn’t expecting what it came next! First, while playing, he got too hot, removed his clothes and played the most part of his set in his underwear = diva (take notes, Mr. Cloutier)! Then, he really needed to pee and it was really impossible to reach the toilette in this big warehouse complex. So me and my friend, the person doing his artist care, improvised a tiny “pee booth” where I opened my fan and spread my wedding dress in between the speakers to block the view while Fango peed inside an empty bottle of water = DIVA GOD MODE! Please, close you eyes for a second and imagine the scene: a girl in one side, a bitch in a wedding dress carrying a fan in the other and a huge italian DJ peeing in the middle! I swear I didn’t peek! But I may have stolen the bottle full of Fango’s pee and putted on my freezer so I can work on a new business enterprise (see on the left) afterwards. You never know when this type of stuff can be useful… In the meantime, I’ll send you the laundry bill for my wedding dress later on, Fango!

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Herr Baer still haven’t learned his lesson from last year’s list and didn’t stop consuming Nike products. I already told him Adidas is the brand to go! But, with all do respect, he looks hot in any brand! That’s why I included him also in my straight husbands list: unlike this one, my straight husbands list is very private, changes according to my mood and it’s reaching the 3-digits figure as of now. It’s also very unilateral and some people may not even know they are in it. Not the case for Herr Baer, though. As he was all jealous of me talking with one of his friends, like: “HEY, DID I ALLOW YOU TO TALK TO PEOPLE????”. BØ$$Y! Me likes it! <3

jamaica

I was really happy to have such a nice person as a Pornceptual resident on the techno floor with me. After some back-to-back sessions together and really nice adventures all around different cities, I still needed to test her fan-opening skills. I was impressed with Jamaica’s technique. Although she already had some fan training back from her South-Korean times, but, still, it was very very impressive. Welcome to my list!

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 kyle

He still didn’t find the picture of his coronation as the Homecoming King from his high-school days so Mr. Geiger didn’t reach the Top 3 Diva ranking this year. But, just for the fact that I saw him partying hard almost every single weekend from this last semester, Kyle secures a place in this list one more year. Plus, I like the fact that his socks are going UP (see right) and he points that out to me every single time we meet! <3

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ladystar

When you play 140 BPM live sets at Berghain wearing a real fencing armor and goes on and on in interviews mentioning the best and worst modulars that could affect your nail polishing while tweaking the knobs you can bet for sure you will appear in this list!

manuel

Every single time he sees me, he makes sure to show me how hard he is training his fan-opening skills! After years of hard work, the Escapism  main diva finally breaks into my list! Congrats, gorl! Your efforts didn’t go by unnoticed. Now you just need to work even harder to break into my Top 3 ranking. Maybe some make-up?? High heels?? Killer outfits?? The sky is the limit!

 

 norman

So, me and Jamaica Suk had the pleasure to warm-up for Mr. Nodge at Pornceptual (by the way, he is so tall, we almost couldn’t fit him into the booth). One of the downsides of doing a party in an off-location (specially inside a place where it used to be a vault) is the lack of controlling the elements. In this case, specifically, the lack of ventilation (from too many people in the room dancing to his amazing set) made some water getting into the extension cords and the power went off in the middle of his set – it took good fifteen minutes to the tech guys to solve it. A mood-killer to some DJs, but, Mr. Nodge used the down time to go to the bathroom, have a drink, chat a bit and he re-started his set from the same point where he left off, even better! Well, of course he deserved some nice fanning from me. A true diva!

 

oliver

We already shared the booth multiple times with the Pornceptual project and, exactly because of that, there wasn’t a chance to actually have some quality time and test his fan-opening skills as we were both busy playing. But after his (killer) DJ set at Berghain, however, the situation presented itself. And Mr. Deutschmann didn’t disappointed me. He was also curious to know why I was wearing the wedding dress and, upon hearing about my army of straight husbands, without missing a beat he asks: “ah, so, can I be one of straights husbands as well????”. YAAAS! I love when straight husbands voluntarily agrees to be part of my harem. It saves so much paperwork! Plus, “Frau Deutschmann” sounds appealing, doesn’t it? Maybe I should use it as an alias for a side project.

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 somewhen

Speaking of my straight husbands, Somewhen appears one more time in my list. Just like the sun, he is too hot and bright to stare directly for too long. So I avoid making eye contact with him for extended periods of time. His fan-opening skills are fine but how can I not have in this list a hot tall guy who gives me shoulder massages at Berghain??? Sometimes being a diva is spoiling other divas so you can raise your diva karma points!

tamasumo

So, after hearing Lakuti’s claim that Tama Sumo copied her outfit I went on to confront her right in the middle of Panorama bar. I came on and said: “excuse me! I have a very serious issue to speak with you!”. Tama’s skin went pale and I told her exactly what I have heard from Lakuti. Then I asked: “is that really true?? What do you have to say for yourself???”. Ms. Sumo got speechless and went to a state of total shock. She could only reply: “You really got me! I am sorry!”. Well, in her defense, Lakuti’s outfit was amazing and imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. So I will give her only a diva-warning for that and keep her in the list just because she is still the most fabulous house DJ out there!

tommy47

Me and Tommy had some good interactions this year. It was really nice to see him on the dancefloor while I was playing at Pornceptual (although he didn’t make his cute dance moves that I love so much). But, for me, the main reason he appears into this list for the second time is because, in last year’s list, I wrote “Tommy 47” first. So he read and told his people to contact my people to let me know his artist name is “Four Seven” as opposed to “47”. So, I’ve changed and asked my people to contact his people to let him know that the change has already been made. Very diva-like! Hope I didn’t screw up this year…

volvox

After some pretty fun adventures around São Paulo and also in Berlin, Volvox makes into this prestigious list again. I had loads of diva-moments with her to choose from, but, to me, the one that stands out the most for me was her set at Dûsk party, in São Paulo. I was really craving for some acid and acid was what I got! Plus is too funny to see her face pushing creepy people away! <3

somemom

At Berghain, this nice lady comes and snatches my fan out of my hands to fan herself. She was really nice and basically obsessed with my fan! Upon learning she was the mother of my beloved husband, I try to tell her that. I don’t think she understood what I meant nor the concept of my straight husbands army with my lousy German but, nonetheless, I will assume she approved our relationship! When I met my husband’s moms, there is no way back! It just got serious!