2019 was a very weird year. Professional-wise, I worked a lot and travelled to so many places, shared so many adventures and stories with a great deal of people. But I have to take some time away from the silly and funny approach of this prestigious list to talk seriously for a second.
I wasn’t really expecting to become “persona non grata” in Berlin. I am not referring to one specific situation but I feel that, over the past few years, the city’s nightlife has become a bit hostile towards queer POCs around.
This and other aggressions and micro-aggressions have put me on a place where I don’t enjoy going out so much in Berlin anymore. Is already bad enough being racially profiled at airports with their “random checks” and be treated like a criminal on my way to gigs or being verbally harassed on my way to clubs; but when the people who are supposed to take care of you inside the club turns against you, maybe is time to do a little time-off…
I just wish there were more queer/LGBT/women working in the security division or in the club’s management positions because, honestly, those were the people who stood up for me! Don’t get me wrong! I don’t see white straight men as enemies (most are very friendly and extremely good kissers – HI BOYS! 😘) is just very few of them who spoils it.
But my absence from partying is also due to all the touring I made this year as well. I felt the hate but, as Brazilian actress Suzana Vieira would say:
So I really wanna thank each and everyone who approached me in the places I have played and offered me so much love! I am so humbled and had no idea I would inspire so many people in so different countries and spaces. And also my deepest love to all the promoters and clubs who really treated me like a diva SHOULD be treated.
I won’t be playing the victim card here because bitch, please! I am far from being a victim and I know I have flaws and make mistakes. But, if you have spent just a bit of quality time with me, you know what I am all about! You know my character and what I have to offer (both as a raver or as a DJ). I know there are a few people who would love to see me going back to my “”””””shitty country”””””” with the tail between my legs, however, this conflicts directly with my world domination plans. I still have got MANY stories to tell throughout different mediums (verbally, visually, sonically) and I am far from being done.
So, all modesty aside, you shall be so lucky to have me at your bloody party because, as you will verify in this prestigious list, hanging out with me is an E-X-P-E-R-I-E-N-C-E! And, if you miss me on the dancefloor, I am sure we will meet again! Better being missed than forgotten…
Bottom line: “bitch, don’t kill my vibe!”.
Now, back to our normal programming!
As you will notice, the ability to handle my fan is just one detail in order to enter this prestigious list. Actually, it is just the beginning. We also need to have shared one good diva story and I am very proud of the class of 2019.
Position #00 – STEFFI & VIRGINIA
My two #00 divas had quite of a busy year. As I also had a busy year myself, we didn’t have so many interactions in 2019 (also partially because of all that I have said in the beginning of this list) but they have come up with a solid album release and have the goods to back up. So, they will be featured in this year’s round up. But, you both better to come up with interesting diva stories for me this next year!
Position #1 (TIE) Amanda Mussi and The Lady Machine
I couldn’t pick one of them, so, for the first time in herstory, this prestigious list will have a tie!
Coincidently, both of these DJs are the artists I have played most B2Bs with in 2019. However, this feat alone can only grant them a small free milkshake at McDonald’s some day and not the top spot of my list!
Let’s break it down!
Amanda holds the record of most B2Bs with me in different cities, countries and continents. But there are two highlights for me: the WHOLE Festival one – where she looked the part and came dressed as the groom to my bride. It is true that, initially, I thought she was doing a cosplay from a Mexican teen soap opera called Rebeldes (which would still be totally awesome, by the way) but her attention to details made her my newest wife and granted her the top spot in this list! I also have to mention our B2B at the last Pornceptual of the year, where we played for 9 hours on a floor just for us.
The Lady Machine is the newest Pornceptual resident and also a very dear friend whom I have shared so many adventures this past year. The highlight was our 6-hour B2B session at Pornceptual last Summer with water dripping from the ceilings, a faulty turntable that had to be replaced during the set and the steaming hot temperatures that didn’t stop us to make our thing. It was my first vinyl-only experience and, honestly, if she wasn’t there, I don’t think I would have put it off. But the REAL reason she appears in my list is because of this fabulous story: I was telling her the sort of clubs I used to go out when I was a teenager, back in São Paulo, which included this very famous gay club called Blue Space. This is the sort of club that you don’t really go for the music but to have a good laugh, it was also where the hottest drag shows would happen – the DJ would stop the music around 2AM so the show could take place and restart again around 3AM when it was over. In Brazil’s gay slang, when someone steals something, that’s called “pulling an Elza” – don’t ask me why! So, in order to warn the patrons about pick-pocketing, there was a sign next to the dark room saying “INSIDE THIS PLACE, ELZA REIGNS! WATCH YOUR BELONGINGS!”. To my surprise, The Lady Machine casually tells me she played there on a random night (the club would rent the space on Fridays to all sorts of events and they hold a techno party in there). It was at the moment that I really realized the sort of LEGEND I was dealing with and why she would snatch the #1 position of this list. That was all I needed to know…
Coincidentally, both of them have released a joint EP this year. I swear to you, I have planned this tie long before that…
Position #2 – OCTO OCTA
As a huge Mariah Carey fan, I don’t really trust house DJs who don’t know any Mariah’s remixes. If you know your history, you know that she was one of the first artists to actually go back to the studio with the DJs and re-record her vocals and re-write her lyrics specially for a remixed version. You know that she worked with the likes of C+C Music Factory, Junior Vasquez and, most prominently, with long-time collaborator, David Morales, who founded the Def Mix production company alongside Frankie Knuckles, the Godfather of House Music. So, I was relieved when Miss Octo Octa pulls her Dreamlover vinyl as one of her favorite records for a video interview with a French site. When I commented on her Facebook post about it, it takes literally 2 minutes for a Top-Fan badge to be offered to me. We have played together at Melt Festival and stayed a great deal of time backstage and I have soooo brought this up! Then, she proceeds to tell me she has obscure remixes from many of her christmas songs on the B-side of this rare Mariah single and, when christmas comes around, all of her sets becomes seasonal and she plays the shit out it. GURL, welcome to the Top #2 position of my ranking!
Position #3 – HENNING BAER
Already a frequent presence in my ranking, this year Mr. Baer diva features were remarkable enough to place him into the Top 3 contention this year. First, he went to play at our Pornceptual anniversary party dressed as if someone plucked out a bondage S&M Barbie’s head into GI Joe’s body.
He also wins points for playing his set shirtless due to the overbearing heat. It looks like someone purposely turned up the heating inside the venue in the middle of the Summer just to make Henning take his clothes off! A mystery that will remain unresolved. Then, we have played together again in Hamburg, for another Pornceptual adventure. As opposed to a lot of “headlining DJs” who plays and gets the fuck out, my cute straight husband stayed until the end and even operated the light controls during my set. So, if you want a break from playing a bit and wants to be my full-time light tech, hit me up, darling! <3 This thing of DJs doing side-jobs for me (or the other way around) will be a recurring theme in this year’s list.
Now, the subsequent entries will be listed in alphabetical order…
Me and Cashu have played together in this big festival on different times. I was already on my way to come to see her (the stage she was playing was super far from where I was). Half hour into her set, I get a text message from her: “gurl, please come over and dance on stage for me while I play!”. Since Cashu is used to have many queer performers shaking their ass while she is playing, that heteronormative scenario was a bit uncomfortable for her. So I came to her rescue and spread some queerness around! Thanks for thinking of me for your “queering” needs! Let me know if you need a traveling performer to your European tours, gurl!
This will be a very meta entry. Claire was rightfully mentioned on last year’s list. I have compared her with the Spice Girls and, by all means and effects, she was aware of my list because she “liked” the post about it on my social media. Everytime I have seen her after that, I would brought up the Spice Girls references and she would just smile and I could see that there was something off. Good six months into the year have passed and, while researching about another diva, she stumbles with this prestigious list on Google by accident and is shocked to see her own name in it. Only then that she got the jokes and she humbly accepted her position as DJ diva! Don’t you worry, darling! I know you have a very busy schedule deciding which Spice Girls you WANNABE (again, pun not intended). I hope it doesn’t take another six months for you to acknowledge my acknowledging to your fabulousness!
In one of the rare occasions where our paths cross passes (after all, Dax is a busy DJ diva), my sweet straight husband opens the door to the DJ booth so I can stay inside while he plays it. Now, I really don’t get people’s infatuation with staying inside the DJ booth at all times. Of course, I do if I know the DJ and there’s a cute person around to talk with. But, even when invited by the DJ, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable to stay there, specially if I am all alone. However, I’ve got to admit: it is the best angle of the house to check Dax’s ass. So I may have stayed good ten minutes in there just for this sole purpose. If you are an avid reader of my list, you know that is not the first time Dax J’s ass secures him a spot into my diva ranking. So, congratulations to you and your cute butt, Dax! Thanks for the good sightings! 😛
Mr. Davenport played once again at Pornceptual but, unfortunately for me, the heat wasn’t enough to make him to take his shirt off this time. At least I got a kiss on the lips from him during my set, so, fuck it! He secures another year in my diva list. “But, Diego, so only a kiss would grant a spot in your list?” HOLD ON, bitch! There’s a “kiss” and there is a kiss from Ed Davenport! Don’t mix things up! But I am still waiting for the shot he invited to drink but ran out of drink tickets to get it. Don’t you think I will forget about it. Additionally, his DJ diva moves while he is playing are the best in the game.
One of the highlights of the year was connecting with this amazing person. Me, her and her beloved husband, Sam had such a great time in Berlin and also in Paris, where we have played gigs there at the same time. During her European vacation, I invited her for a kiki at my place where I have baked homemade Brazilian cheese breads from scratch (I know how to indulge my divas, thank you very much!). So we were at the balcony of my flat and I tell her I will be busy the next days cleaning up my place. Without missing a beat she replies: “I can come help you clean up! I am super good with these things!”. GURL! I will not let you spend your good vacation time cleaning up my flat with me. But the invitation was so sweet and made me feel the brightest and shiniest diva in the world! <3
The Pornceptual in London alongside underground (and, hopefully, not defunct) FOLD club was one of the highlights of the year for me. It was great to see so many kinky faces and to share the booth with another of my divas and straight husband, Mr. Jay Clarke. Funny thing is that the police got a hold of the party and threatened to stop it if people were caught having sex in public; which triggered us to have to post signs like: “it is forbidden to have sex in public areas”. DAMN, Jay! We take a rain check! 😁🙃His beloved fiancée also brought me some great make-up products that she promised me – although, in all honesty, all of these make-up items came out of Jay’s DJ case and not from her purse. So, the ownership of these fabulous make-up products are under review. Specially after our previously London meeting, in the beginning of the year, when they took me to have a traditional five o’clock tea, at this very fancy place right over where Jay does his eyebrows and also next to where Jay buys his beauty creams. I even took a pic of him with his cute tiny gay bag while he was beauty shopping.
I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I ask: “where is Jay’s YouTube make-up channel with his beauty routine????”. I am all here for it.
We have shared so many adventures together that is hard to choose one moment. My favourite diva moment from her was when we were inside a plane getting back from a gig, I don’t remember exactly where. But this lady next to us starts coughing every 3 seconds. That was enough to trigger Jamaica’s germaphobic extinct and she starts to pull up all the anti bacterial wipes she can find. The lady insists she is coughing only because of the air conditioning which doesn’t seem to convince Jamaica too much as she, politely, tells the lady to cover her mouth when she is coughing. Since she was in the middle seat, I offer her to at least lean over me if she wanted to sleep. She slept over my back the whole flight trying to avoid the coughing lady. Which was the cutest thing ever. I got your back, gurl!
I HATE MODELS
Me and this cute French diva have played together in the beginning of the year in Prague. We hung out together almost the whole time. Then, we went to the bar and he asked for his Jäggermeister. The bartender pours him a drink. Upon seeing this scene, his inner-Mariah comes out of him: “NO, dahhhrliing! I want the full sealed bottle! It’s in my rider!”. So a shocked bartender hands him over a sealed Jäggermeister bottle and he spends the whole night drinking the whole thing from the bottle backstage with me. As if this wasn’t enough, he finishes his set at 145BPM. HOW DARE YOU?!?!?!? I follow him in the same pace playing rave tracks here and there splashed with full on techno. At this point, Mr I Hate Models is go-go dancing behind me with his bottle of Jäggermeister in hands while giving me sweet kisses thru his mask! YAAAAASSSS! Morally loose drunk French straight guys happens to be my field of expertise! So, if you want to give a pause on your busy touring schedule to be my sexy go-go dancer, Mr. Models, I won’t put a gun to your head. And thank you for all the Jäggermeister!
This is the cutest couple in the dance scene today. We have shared the booth many times at Pornceptual. Dina and Max are so sweet together but I also really appreciated the fact that Dina offered to share her sweet husband with me at Melt Festival, where we also both performed and spent a lot of time together (and also the site of my marriage with Max, adding him to my long-list of straight husbands). He had no saying in this transaction, by the way. As I always say, a good diva recognises another diva’s needs. Thanks for the trust. <3
Me and Norman have played together at The Egg, in London. At the same time, Marcel Dettmann was playing the closing set at Fabric and we were planning to go there after we were done. The issue was that Norman would finish his set at 5:30AM and Fabric’s door closes at 5AM sharp. Being a well-connected diva, Norman knew the manager and it wouldn’t be a problem to come a bit late to Fabric; after the doors were closed. So, we left our DJ cases at the hotel and go to Fabric around 6AM. The bouncers weren’t having it: “WHICH PART OF “WE CLOSE BY 5” YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND????????”. Norman wasn’t having any success contacting his friend and, when it was becoming crystal clear we won’t be getting in, I pull a last diva move and try to explain the situation. Upon hearing from me that we were the DJs playing at The Egg, the bouncer goes inside and comes back “Why did you guys haven’t said that before?????? We were waiting for you! Please, come in!”. Now, we have to wait good fifteen minutes for the security team to turn back on the ID-scanning machine. That’s the ultimate diva move right there! When the club literally re-opens the door just for you! In the meantime, while we are waiting, some people were leaving the club. This guy spots me and asks for a picture. I am not sure if he recognised me from somewhere or if he just wanted a picture with a crazy bitch wearing a wedding dress. The guy gives his phone to Norman and asks him to take a picture of us. Which he complies. After that, it was all good! Norman gave me the grand tour of Fabric as it was my first time there. Thank you, Norman! And let me know if you ever want to stop this stressful law business in order to be my full-time photographer.
If Italian divas are hard to handle, Italo-American divas are a whole other level of drama. So, I am at the club with my cute straight husband, P. Leone. He was back from one of his US trips and was a bit chubby from all the homemade food he was probably getting while in the US. Fortunately for him, I’m all like:
I will post this meme until I die! However, for him, he didn’t notice that me calling him chubby was a positive thing. So he spends basically the whole night telling everyone how I fat-shamed him. Gurl, please! Be cute, sexy and chubby and keep eating all of that pasta! <3
My encounter with the mysterious project was so so impactful and meaningful that I actually tested their fan-opening skills without realising that it was really them. So, this is what I call a transcendental experience. I didn’t know how it happened, neither why or when… I just know that it did happen and their fan-opening skills are just as remarkable as their music and its whole mythology surrounding it.
Not so long ago, Spencer played Whitney Houston’s “I’m Your Baby Tonight”. When the chorus came up, he quickly faded out the music for just some seconds so people could sing along the title of the song and, besides me, not a single soul knew the lyrics. SHAME ON ALL OF YOU! Spencer is one of these divas who really doesn’t give a fuck! Me, in his place, would ask the bouncers to empty the place and state a door policy that would demand the aspiring ravers to name at least 3 Whitney tracks, 2 Madonna albums and one Mariah Carey remix. Plus, Spencer gave me and this year’s #1 diva, Amanda Mussi a bag *from Aldi supermarket* full of his records with this cute note:
Attention to details, people! It’s all that I am saying…
Mr. THNTS is one of my long-time straight husbands back in the day when I only had like 10 of them to worry about. Unfortunately for him, this is not a requirement to be in my diva’s list. But, his last year’s reaction to his absence in my diva list, ironically, got him into this year’s list. About a year ago, I needed a good vinyl setup to record a podcast and he let me come to his place to do it. So, upon seeing the 2018 diva list, he promptly writes: “SO, I LET YOU TOUCH MY EQUIPMENT (AKA MY TURNTABLES) AND I DON’T GET INTO YOUR LIST????”. I find so fabulous that he made sure to clear up 100% that by “equipment” he meant his turntables so he doesn’t alienate his friends and don’t make they think anything silly (too late, by the way). See you next time, when I will be in need to touch your equipment again… 😉
Even though we are busy, we always make time to see each other and she has been with me to one of the most exclusive dance floors in the world: MA HOUSE! Thank you for all the kiki, girl! It was amazing to hang out a bit between all of our gigs. Plus she came to one of my weirdest gigs of the year – a house set on the Tresor floor. But that wasn’t our only raving in Berlin. In the middle of the year, we pulled a marathon, moving around three different clubs over less than 12 hours. That’s when you see who the true ravers are. Doesn’t matter how many gigs around the world you have, there’s always time to rave if you are at the right place with the right people. I have so many many more diva stories with her but the tea is too hot to go public with it. Sorry, bitchezzz!
Helena’s set at Melt was one of my highlights of the year. It was so amazing to listen to her. Plus, she also had the cutest outfit ever. Since I was also playing there, I had full backstage access where it was very easy to approach her to try teaching my fan opening skills. However, in the middle of my masterclass with her, unfortunately, we got interrupted by one of the stage techs who, upon seeing me in a wedding dress, gets on his knees and proposes to me with a makeshift ring that he made out of plastic. Well, looks like I’ve got one more straight husband but lost the opportunity to teach one more diva how to properly open a fan. Next time…
This space is dedicated to a non-DJ that can also be considered a diva. After so many trips this year, so many parties and festivals, I have to give this prestigious position to my good friend, Raquel. Not only for putting up with so much shit around but also for her amazing work as a professional in this male-dominated scene. I have so many diva stories with her but, again, the tea is too hot to go public with it. I will love her forever!
(even though she stole my #1 straight husband)
That’s it for this year. I hope next year gets even more eventful (but in a good way…).